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hellobroadway2012-06-06 08:15 pm
justbeingaqueen.livejournal.com) wrote in hellobroadway2012-06-06 08:15 pm
"Lifestyles of the rich and the famous."
Who: ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
justbeingaqueen and breaksniceguys
What: Pre-birthday spa date
Where: Clarins Skin Spa, Madison Avenue
When: 26th May
NOTE: Backdated to the day before Kurt's birthday
It was probably nothing new these days to have a fag and his hag share a spa treatment. It didn’t bring up any difficulties, and there were no strange looks. It was almost Kurt’s birthday and with the impending nuptials Holly wanted to treat him before any kind of bachelorette party could make him beyond saving.
Holly sighed as she relaxed into the mud bath and wriggled her toes in the dark liquid. Whether or not he was gay, Holly had still done him the favour of wearing a swimsuit.They were close but she still didn’t make it a habit of appearing naked around him. Heaven forbid she make the young man scream by flashing her breasts.
And even if she wanted to make him suffer just a little bit for cockblocking her when it came to Cooper Anderson, she really couldn’t deny Kurt a chance to be pampered. She also just wanted some alone time with him before marriage, weddings and a gaggle of hags stole him away.
“Happy birthday, honey,” she said, raising a hand full of mud in mock toast before she air kissed in his direction.
Kurt’s nose crinkled up when he saw her handful of mud, even if he was lying in a bathful of it himself. He couldn’t help it if he was the epitome of gay bitch snob. This was about the only time he consented to being dirty and icky, unless it was related to sex, in which case it was an entirely different story. Mud baths weren’t his favourite part of a spa day, but it did help to open the pores for all the things to come later and frankly, it was just nice to be able to lie still and let his muscles relax after the crazy week he had of shows coming into the final weeks of his stint as Peter Allen. He would be sad to see it end, but at the same time, he was looking forward to the new opportunities coming and what his life was bringing him next. As far as he was concerned, his best role over - as Blaine’s husband - was coming and that’s all he honestly cared about at the moment.
“Thank you, darling,” he responded with a smile, his fingers resting around the rim of the tub as he forced himself to relax, which was getting harder and harder right now with each passing day. Most nights, his brain was buzzing and Blaine had to resort to clever tactics to get him to unwind. “I gave up an afternoon of sex for this. You’re lucky I love you,” he joked.
Holly tipped her nose up into the air as she did her best imitation of Kurt himself and flicked the mud like she was trying to get rid of a fleck of dust. “I could have been having sex too if you didn’t keep pussy blocking me.” And then she added the sniff. “I still don’t understand why I’m not good enough for your almost brother-in-law.”
But when she turned her head back to look at him again she was smiling. She was having proud hag thoughts about his marriage. About Kurt’s career. About how everything was unfolding for him and how well he was doing. She offered him another smile, this one warm and reaching her eyes. “Thank you for loving me and giving up sex because I’m getting old and I get misty eyed thinking about how grown up you’re getting. I still remember the young Kurt who could give me attitude like no one else, and had a hell of a hip shake to ‘Single Ladies’.”
Kurt just laughed at this and shook his head. “You really are so sure of yourself, aren’t you, darling? You forget that once you get past me, you still need to get past Blaine, and he has quite the restriction on any friends dating his brother. It’s written rule in Munchkin Land. You do, and you get the total Wicked Witch of the West treatment,” he said with a nod of feigned seriousness. “You’re not good enough for each other. All hell will break loose if you do your little slippery feet routine and piss off from him, and his ego decides Asia needs his talents or something. It’s messy before it even starts.”
He looked over at her, peering closely to make sure she was at least half-joking. “You’re getting sentimental. I think the penny just dropped for me how close my wedding is getting. And darling, if you think I do a mean Single Ladies, you should see my dad. When a straight middled-aged dad puts on a sequinned glove and hip thrusts with the best of us queens, that’s saying something about the natural genes right there.”
Holly scrunched up her nose. “I’m not looking to date the guy! We’re both sluts from what I understand. I’m only asking to sleep with him. He wouldn’t be expecting me to stick around and make an honest man out of him. That’s when Cooper Anderson would up and leave for Asia. Same as I would,” Holly replied honestly. And then she winced before leaning her head back against the edge of the tub. “Okay, point. I’d totally deserve the Wicked Witch of the West treatment for being a horny flying monkey.”
She tried not to pout even as she sniffed. There were no hands free to wave away the burgeoning tears and all she could do was squeak. “I am, but I can’t help it! It’s like watching the little gay brother I never had stroll down the aisle. It’s a huge deal. Burt did Single Ladies? Really? I would have loved to have seen that.”
Kurt pointed. “And that’s exactly why I’m not letting this happen! If you’re both going to be living here, what happens after you both have a quick romp and then turf each other aside? Do all family gatherings suddenly become awkward moments where we have to make sure there is always a strategy to keep you away from each other because you’ve moved on to bang one of my co-stars and he’s moved on to chase actress booty? Yeah, no. It’s not happening. He won’t ever leave for Asia anyway. I was exaggerating. He and Blaine have an agreement now that there’s to be no more estrangement or I get to lock them in a room with Miley Cyrus playing on repeat forever along with the Paris Hilton sex tape. With all the connections our group has, this will never just be a bang you can walk away from, and I know you. Walking away is what you do best, and Cooper is going to be my brother-in-law.”
He just looked at her now with a wide blink. Normally he was the emotional one to the point his other half constantly had a little pack of Kleenex at the ready, no matter what the scenario. Of course, Kurt had grown up a lot over the recent years, and toughened up, growing more into his sassy gay bitch exterior. He was also a really talented actor, so he managed to not cry as easily as he used to. “There will be no strolling, darling. It will be an elegant saunter. I know, I’ve practiced, and I’ve made Blaine practice. He still hasn’t quite got it, but I’m working on. I’m hoping forcing him into ballroom dancing lessons by sexual favours will improve his sauntering abilities. And yes, Dad did do Single Ladies, for my graduation present. There’s a video of it somewhere. Tina made sure I had the photographic evidence.”
Holly’s nose was still wrinkled. She hated that Kurt had some very good and logical points when all she was picturing in her mind was the photoshoot of Cooper with wet jeans and his back to the camera. There was a sigh of longing and she nearly slid down into the mud bath before she remembered where she was. She was so close to that perfect ass and she just wasn’t going to be allowed to touch it. “It’s not fair, you know. It’s going to be even more awkward because you’re going to keep trying to stop us sleeping together. DIdn’t think of that, did you?”
She bit her lip to try and get a handle on her emotions. It really was true that she rarely got like this but she was have a serious, almost maternal moment and it was scaring her a little. She pushed out a breath before humming some of Single Ladies as she tried to picture Burt dancing to it and started to smile again. “I’ll have to hit her up for the footage. Your Dad’s always been your biggest fan. I don’t get it. Blaine has all this insane dance energy and he can’t manage a saunter? It’s the puppy thing isn’t it. His waggly tail gets in the way.”
“You have tickets on yourself, darling. I’m getting married, I’m going on honeymoon, I’m closing a show and probably opening a new one when I get back. Do you really think I’m going to allocate a whole lot of my time to spying on your sexual life?” Kurt shook his head. “That’s not going to happen. I’ll just be extremely pissed off and probably give you the silent treatment if you go against my wishes, so honestly, the ball is in your court. And it won’t just be me, but it will also be Blaine, and he can be a scary bitch when he wants to be, especially when it comes to Cooper.”
He tilted his head a little, pursing his lips in thought. “Blaine is extremely talented and has the most amazing moves...” He phased out a little at that, remembering what they indulged in that morning and was smirking to himself in a heartbeat. “He just doesn’t have natural elegance. He’s more, well yes, cute perky puppy, and he has a tonne of energy. So, I figure we can learn ballroom dances and kill two birds with one stone. Our wedding waltz is going to be utterly flawless. Plus, he wants to learn the dance at the end of Dirty Dancing, so I told him we have to do all the others in the movie to get there first. Our wedding is going to be the most amazing night. Nothing is going to stop that.”
“Of course I do, honey. I’m Holly Holliday, and I’m your first real hag. I wouldn’t be a Hummel Hag without having tickets on myself. But... okay. I’ll behave. And just keep admiring from afar. And possibly randomly pat his ass when I’m close enough to,” Holly added with a sly grin. “I like Blaine a lot. I always have. I adore him, and he’s been the best thing to ever happen to you. I wouldn’t ever actually want to break his trust.”
“He wants to do that final dance? So would you be jumping up into his arms or the other way around?” Holly had to look up at the ceiling as she imagined it happening both ways. “Surely you’re Jennifer Grey? Only much classier because no one puts Hummel in the corner. Mm, I hope you have salsa at the wedding. That would be fabulous. Am I at least allowed to dance with Cooper? Because I bet he can salsa. It has to be in those Anderson genes somewhere. Just like it’s in the Hummel genes. All these genes shaking their hips. It’s going to be a downright killer wedding.”
Kurt closed his eyes, trying to pretend he didn’t just hear that. He really didn’t want to think about anyone smacking Cooper’s ass. Maybe once upon a time he admired from afar when he didn’t know the guy was Blaine’s brother, and he couldn’t deny the Anderson genes were smoking hot in the looks department, but he really didn’t need to think about things like Holly’s hand anywhere near Cooper’s buttocks... like, ever. “Blaine and Marc Jacob are about on equal par to the best things to ever happen to me,” he joked, throwing her a mischievous look. “Cooper’s just a sensitive subject. Blaine has these romanticised ideals that he might help Cooper one day find what he has. Personally, I think Coop will be doing well if he gets a mail order bride.”
“Yes. That, and reenacting the scene from Ghost with the pottery are Blaine’s biggest fantasies, but there is no way I am taking pottery classes just so he can rub me in muck and have his wicked way with me. He does sing a mean Unchained Melody, though. It’s absolutely beautiful. I cry every time. He’ll probably lift me. It won’t be the first time. I’m more flexible than him, so if it fails, we won’t hurt ourselves as much. I’m used to being thrown around a stage, so no big deal. You are not salsaing with Cooper! Fucking hell. Or doing the rhumba,” he added quickly.
Holly’s expression sobered a little. It wasn’t as if she didn’t know that Blaine and Cooper had had issues and she could understand the younger Anderson wanting more for his big brother. Including just being brothers. She was hardly about to interfere with that but having someone that damn fine so damn close and not being able to touch? Yeah, it was torture. She sighed and lifted a hand like she was going to adjust her hair before she remembered she was still very much covered in mud. “I hope I’m at least a close second where the best things are concerned,” she teased back. “And are you seriously rating a mail order bride above me? That’s just rude. I’m hurt. I buy you a spa treatment and objectify your future brother-in-law and this is what I get?”
Holly’s eyes narrowed as she looked up at the ceiling. “He really has a Patrick Swayze fetish, doesn’t he? I never got on that train. Even when those films first came out. I couldn’t see the appeal. Maybe it’s because he was trying to be as unattainable as I am? First he was that dancing Don Juan, then he was a ghost... I never really understood that movie with the trucks either. That was him, wasn’t it? Just make sure he never tries to involve himself in high speed chases. I did like Point Break though. Is he going to surf through the reception?” Holly smiled at him. “You’ll make a lovely Baby. I can see it now. You just want to take away all my fun, don’t you? Am I allowed to salsa with anyone at the wedding?”
“All I am saying is that Cooper is no Blaine. He’s... romantically challenged. Why do you even want him anyway? I’m not talking just because he’s hot and will drop his pants for anything with a healthy handful of tits who tells him he is talented. I mean, you can bed anyone and New York is full of hot guys all over the place. You just have to find the ones that aren’t gay, and you’ll be sweet!” Kurt insisted with a flick of his fingers for emphasis. “But this is Cooper, and I highly think if he ever realised what the concept of dating was and the penny dropped with Blaine that he wanted it, Blaine is going to be like a goddamn yappy little vicious dog that no girl is going to get past without running a gauntlet of baby brother cockblocking. You think I’m bad, Blaine hasn’t had to think about Cooper hooking up before. Not seriously on any level.”
He shrugged with a sigh. “Blaine likes all the good romantic movies. I’m just grateful he didn’t want to reenact Pretty Woman or Romeo and Juliet. I put a flat-out ban on Titantic, as gorgeous as Kate Winslet’s hats were. I do love me a fabulous hat.” He wiggled his toes under the mud and hummed contentedly at finally be able to relax a little. “You could always salsa with my dad. I told you. Those Hummel hip genes, you can’t beat them,” he said mischievously.
Holly just stayed quiet at his question not even sure how to begin to answer it. “I don’t want just anyone in New York,” she finally admitted. “That doesn’t mean I even know what I’m doing. But you have an Anderson and he works for you. Why can’t I have an Anderson? But a straight one. Fuck, I don’t even know. I guess sometimes I look at what you have and wonder if I’m not missing out. Then I think it’s just easier to stick to what I know and resist the urge to settle down because what if I do just run away and ruin it all?” Holly just snorted. “I think I’m in danger of having a mid-life crisis. I should just go buy a convertible and do it that way.”
Holly made a face. “Am I the only person in the world who doesn’t love Titanic? I feel like I am. Even this far on. You’d wear the hats so much better. What about Carole? I don’t want to be stepping on her toes. But I’d actually love to salsa with your dad. I’ve always adored Burt.” She smiled at the thought of the Hummel patriarch. He really had done well with Kurt. No matter what anyone said, he’d been a great dad.
Kurt couldn’t deny that his Anderson was beyond amazing. Blaine had always been amazing, and never treated Kurt wrong. Quite the opposite, in that every single day, Kurt felt like he was absolutely adored and loved by his fiance. “Darling, I’m not going to deny you any of that. You know I’m not. But Cooper... isn’t Blaine. Not even close. I think he does have a big heart, it’s just rarely in the right place. He’s one of these guys who, well, drives his heart with his dick and honestly, how is that ever going to end well? This is just... shit, as soon as he meets you, his dick is going to be raring to go, and I might really have to shove his face into the nearest flat surface and bitchslap him, and you know how much I hate risking my manicures.”
“I loved it when it came out. Now I just hate watching it because it turns me off boats, and I really love having sex on cruises. Have you ever tried it? It’s fabulous! I do wear hats extremely well, I must admit. Some of my favourite designers have even told me that.” He laughed. “Oh, Dad and Carole are the epitome of an old married couple. She’ll happily share him with anyone if it means she can have him out of her hair for a breather. Dad has chilled out so much over the years, he’ll try anything once. I mean, he’s a congressman! My dad, he beat them all.”
Holly pressed her lips together as she listened and made a noise like she was disagreeing but what was there to disagree with? She wasn’t about to mention Cooper’s ass again but she was still a hot-blooded woman. She did still feel attraction and damn, if she ever managed to get near Cooper she was pretty sure she’d be in trouble for thinking with his penis too. “I know you’re right. I do. And you know I will always be the first to admit to you being right even if I made a thing of it. And will keep blaming you for preventing me from being near him but I get it. I do. Thank you for being my voice of reason as always.”
Holly smiled crookedly before her expression started to lighten. “Then I’m definitely stealing Burt for a dance so he better have those hips ready. I don’t know how they do it, but I really hope you and Blaine have a marriage like that. That you get a lot of good years out of it. Hats, puppies and all.”
Kurt waved his hand, the mud dripping down over his wrist and causing him to wipe some of it off. Oh, the things he had to suffer through to stay fabulous. “No, no, darling. You’re not blaming me for anything, because that will piss me off. And by all means, try to access him. But I am just letting you know that it’s probably not going to end well at all for anyone, so you can’t say I didn’t warn you. Cooper is here in the city, and last I looked, neither Blaine nor me had him chained up in the cupboard under the stairs. I am hoping you will both be adults about it and not horny rabbits humping each other and then running away. In fact, last I looked, he was going out for drinks with Puck and Mike.”
“Hey, I taught my dad to dance, you can bet your ass it will always be fabulous,” he said with a confident sniff, even if it felt like a lifetime ago that he taught his father to dance for his wedding to Carole. It was such a bittersweet time for Kurt. His dad falling in love again, but dealing with being bullied on the regular by Karofsky, followed by meeting Blaine, and then transferring to Dalton. It was a total rollercoaster. “And no... no puppies. Blaine’s close enough to one of those for me, and he doesn’t piss on my Oriental rug. I draw the line at goldfish, and even then, I killed our last one when I dropped glitter into the water. Long story.”
“I just said you were right! I’m not actually going to argue. I’m not going to fight you on this.” Holly bit her lip and while any other time she might have added a comment about it maybe not being fighting him much on this she finally just let out a sigh and shrug. Cooper was Blaine’s brother. He would be Kurt’s family soon enough and they really were as bad as each other. Kurt was probably doing her a huge favour. Saving herself from herself. She looked back at him though, her brow a little quizzical. “He’s going out for drinks with Puck and Mike? That’ll be interesting. I don’t think it’s me you have to worry when it comes to getting Cooper into trouble.”
“You glittered your goldfish to death? Wow, that’s just--wow. Remind me never to let you near me in an actual bath with water. Just out of interest what would you ever do if he did piss on your Oriental rug?” Holly smiled before she started to laugh at the mental images. She could all too clearly picture a goldfish in a pool of glitter, and unfortunately she could also picture Blaine pissing on a rug. “Your wedding is going to be perfect, Kurt. I’m just glad that I get to see it all. Sure you’re not getting any kind of cold feet? It’s okay to tell me.”
Kurt shrugged. “Sure, but they do it all the time when Cooper is in town, or we all go out to LA to see him. Not that he’s there anymore because he’s moving here for his new role, but they’re all pretty tight. I just have to make sure they have the riot act read to them so Blaine doesn’t come home inked, pierced, in underwear that isn’t his and completely catatonic on booze. You get that bunch together and it’s like the best fun in the world ever is to get Blaine drunk for a laugh. And granted, Blaine is an hilarious drunk, but I’m the one that has to nurse him back to sobriety. Not to mention the pissing contest we had to go through when Blaine chose Puck as his Best Man and not Cooper. I swear, Coop was seriously contemplating having a hit put out on Puck just so he could get the job. My life, it’s like Days of Our Lives some days.”
“No, it was an accident! I swear, it was. That was my favourite goldfish. It looked like it was wearing Elton John glasses. But I dropped one of my costume shirts over the bowl when I was a bit tipsy after a party one night and the glitter fell into the bowl, and the next morning, Predator was somewhere over the rainbow. Blaine wouldn’t let me flush him, we had to bury him in the pot plant on the balcony.” He pursed his lips, annoyed at just the thought. “He did puke on it once, and I cried for a week. Well, sort of. It felt like I wanted to. He wouldn’t, though. I can vouch that by the time I got him, he was toilet trained. He peed off said balcony once though. At Mike’s birthday party. And absolutely not. I have waited for this day my whole life. I am going to be the most fabulous bride ever. All those bridezillas can kiss my pale ass.”
Holly held up a mud-covered hand. “Wait, wait. So you let him go out with those boys. You let Blaine go out knowing they’ll make a game out of getting him drunk but you won’t even introduce me to Cooper. Seriously. Seriously? When did I lose all your faith in me!” This time she really did pout. She pouted and she didn’t hide it. Holly picked up a glob of mud from her bath and slipped it over into Kurt’s in place of being able to flick it at him. She knew better than to go for his face. “Cooper needed to earn his best man stripes, didn’t he? He’s better than what I was hearing about before, but still. Puck’s always been there for Blaine.”
Holly made a face once more as she tried to reconcile the images of an Elton John/Predator fish. Finally she just have up and made a defeated sound. “I can’t even... Somehow glitter was easier to grasp than Elton John and the Predator communing to create a new breed of goldfish. So he’s still there? In the pot plant? I’ve seen that pot plan. I’ve stood next to that pot plant. Somehow I think peeing off the balcony is a right of passage for all men. Except you, honey. You’re much better than that. So have you got all your something borrowed, something blue things?”
Kurt gave her a look of exasperation. “They’re his brother and his friends, not just ‘those boys’! What are you talking about ‘let him’? Do you think he needs a day pass from me to go out and have fun? Our relationship is not that sort of relationship, thank you very much. We’re our own people and he is allowed to spend time with whoever he wants, just so long as he comes home in one piece. And believe it or not, he is of drinking age, so he is allowed to drink too. He doesn’t even need a fake ID, despite the opinion of that guy on West Seventy-Fourth Street. Are you seriously throwing a tanty?” he asked her with a wide blink of disbelief. “There was never any question. Blaine has wanted Puck since school when he started dreaming of our big white wedding, like, five days after we started dating. As much as I’m glad Cooper has stepped up to the big brother plate, Puck’s the one Blaine connects to the best. And also the one I can illegally put a hit out on if he does anything to hurt Blaine, and I won’t need to kill any in-laws.”
“No, his name was Predator. He didn’t look anything like Predator, he looked like Elton John, but Blaine didn’t think he looked like an Elton to name him that. We almost had a domestic over that whole thing. Yes, he’s still in there and don’t worry, we have determined he crossed over, so his wee spirit won’t haunt you if you ever have to water it. He’s gone to the big fish bowl in the sky. It’s tradition at birthday parties. Usually it’s a peeing contest to see who can go further. Blaine holds the reigning title, which none of the other guys can understand, because they seem to assume that because he’s short, he can’t pee far. See? I should be bothered by things like this, but I’m not anymore. I have finally embraced my position as future wife of a dude. Yay farting,” he said, pumping his fist in the air and then sticking his tongue out in disgust when the mud dripped down under his armpit. “And yes. I do. They were some of the first things I secured. But then, Blaine felt left out, so he wanted to pick his too.”
Holly just tried to stop pouting before she finally just gave a small nod. “Yes, I’m having a tanty. I’m a grown woman having a tanty because her young fag is telling his hag no. And I know all the boys are old enough to drink. That you’re all men. I’m just having a hard time trying to work out how you all managed to grow up so fast, and why there’s suddenly weddings. Beautiful, giant weddings that I get to be a part of and you get your happily ever after. Only it’s not just ever after, it’s another beginning and I told you that I was getting emotional. Kurt, I’ve been listening to plans of this day as long as I’ve known both of you. I feel like it’s me going down the aisle too, and I know how stupid that sounds. I just need to get laid - not by Cooper, I promise.”
“How did I not even realise you named your fish Predator? He’s a lucky guy to have such an understanding wife-to-be. And hey, you know what? Being with a dude isn’t so bad. Farting’s a natural part of life. I fart. You fart. We just don’t do it in front of everyone else because we’re not that open and free. You two are going to have disagreements, but at least you resolve them. And you’re willing to discuss them.” Holly’s nose went up as she looked over at Kurt and for a long moment all she could do was stare. “You’re actually serious about the pissing contests? Jesus, when did that become a thing. Have boys always done that at birthdays? It doesn’t even make sense. Why is that even fun? Boys and their penises. Boys and bodily fluids... Now all I can do is picture each one of them pissing.” She shuddered in the mud bath and tried to squeeze her eyes shut to shake the visuals. “What are his things?”
Kurt just had to smirk at this, looking over at her and snickering. “I am relieved that you would simply be picturing us sitting in a McKinley classroom with bad haircuts and acne rather than in pampers and stealing each other’s toy cars, though. There is a part of me glad you didn’t know me as a kid. I was a bit of an obnoxious butt pain. At least, so Dad tells me affectionately these days and threatens to break out all the stories of my childhood at my wedding reception. If you find him bound and gagged behind the extravagant angel fountain at the venue, it wasn’t me. You’re not pregnant, are you? You’re just as weepy are Carole these days. You two need to stop hanging out so much or I’m going to think you’ll want part custody in me.”
“I didn’t name my fish Predator. I wanted Elton, Blaine named it Predator when he gave me the Eyes and no matter now many years I am with that precious pain in the ass, I can never deny the Eyes. The things he has gotten me to do with them is borderline evil. I rode Magic Mountain eight times in a row for those freaking Eyes. I swear the only reason I even fart around him is because he gave me the Eyes one day now that you mention it. Somewhere along the way, we all got domesticated, and I just love it. I guess somewhere deep down, I was always made to be a wife. I do wonder about you, though. Do you ever get the urge to settle and find a Blaine? Not my Blaine, you can’t have him, but the same sort of concept?” He gave a long-suffering roll of his eyes. “Yes, they have always done that at birthdays, and considering there is a pack of them, there are a lot of birthdays. I’m dreading Blaine’s bachelor party. He’s going to come back bald, I know it. Or with a mohawk, and there won’t be time to grow his beautiful curls back, even if he is sort of a yeti. His things, oh my god. Something old is a Yoda figurine from when he was a kid, something new are his boxers that say ‘Groom’ on them, something borrowed is Cooper’s ‘I’d rather be 007’ cufflinks, and something blue are his socks. He wants to wear blue socks on our wedding day.”
Holly just shot him a look. “I’m not your mother! I’m the proud, cool aunty if anything. This is just why teachers shouldn’t hang around their students once the teaching is over. There’s just too many feelings. And no, I’m not pregnant. I am very, very careful. I’d destroy any child I actually had. Better I get them already grown up and with parents. And don’t think I never saw you in your early days before me. I saw the floppy hair and the puppy cheeks. Then Blaine got to you and you blossomed. No more baby penguin.” She laughed quietly before smirking. “You’d never tie Burt up, you adore him too much. And you adore Carole. I don’t know that she’d appreciate me being compared to her, but I think it’s an honour aside from the inference that I want to be your mother. I’d have to stop talking about boys and sex.”
Holly started to snicker and once more mourned the fact that she’d drowned her hands in mud and couldn’t cover her face. It was her own mistake, but if she was going to do this then even her hands needed to be treated. “Predator Elton. I’m sure he’s been called that a few times anyway. I’m sure there’s also something about you that he can never say no to, so it’s only fair that he has the Eyes. When did you ever really regret anything those Eyes made you do anyway?” Holly puffed up her cheeks before letting the air out and sinking down a little further into the mud. “Sometimes, like I said. There are days I envy you and Blaine and what you have, but I honestly don’t know if it’s too late to teach this old dog any new tricks. I might just be stuck floating from guy to guy and never really settling. Just having our friendship be the longest relationship of my life. I’m guessing you don’t want him to be wearing blue socks? You’re not even going to see the socks.”
Kurt gave her a scandalised look. “I did not have puppy cheeks! Oh my god, as if being a baby penguin at that time was bad enough. I had puppy cheeks and the guy I had fallen head-over for thought I looked like I had to fart when I was trying to be sexy. How did I not turn emo and pull a Britney during those months, I will never, ever know. It was all terribly traumatising, you realise this? Not that I even knew what the hell I was supposed to do with sex at that time. It scared the hell out of me, and you weren’t around when I needed you! You were off in Cleveland cheating on me with other students. I resorted to pamphlets and Queer as Folk, and a whole lot of not sleeping on my stomach every time I thought about Blaine, who was off kissing Rachel. Why am I not in therapy right now? Seriously. And even then? I made him wait nine months after we started dating before he could even go below the belt. And yes, I do adore my parents, but I have horrifying nightmares of pictures of me flashing up on a projector screen drunk and puking on Miss Pillsbury’s shoes, or covered in slushie, or, oh my fucking god, dressed in flannel when I was trying to emulate dad after thinking he was replacing me with Finn.”
“We had a serious domestic over naming that thing, and I’m ashamed, because I didn’t even want it. But it was like adopting our first child or something. It was serious business.” He ended up just sighing in defeat and nodding. “His eyes were one of the first things I fell in love with. Right on those stairs when I met him. He was on a lower step to me and looking up. He was looking up at me with those Eyes and I thought I had tripped into an old romantic movie because he was all dapper and blazered and checking the time on a pocketwatch. A pocketwatch! I learnt later it was his grandfather’s, and I’m still hoping to bump Yoda for that on the day. I’m working on him, but he’s scared he’ll lose it. It’s not overrated, you know. The whole falling in love and committing thing. It’s not. It might be hard work sometimes, but it’s actually amazing... and yes, even with blue socks with a red, black and white wedding theme.”
“We had Skype. And texting and emails. My god, I lived for your weekly digest emails. Cleveland really wasn’t that amazing. I just had to get away from Mr Schue, and I’m sorry I cheated on you with those students. None of them ever replaced you. I don’t even talk to them. You kids had the biggest impact on my life and I would never change that.” Holly looked like she might start crying but she just gave Kurt a huge smile. “I love you, you know that. I’m just so proud of the man you’ve become. Even if you did have to get your sexual education off Brian Kinney and not me. But hey, there’s worse teachers. And you’re not in therapy because of me. No one is better at healing the baby penguins than me. I still can’t believe you dressed up in flannel. Even when you told me, I couldn’t believe you. You’re lucky Burt loves you just as you are. He can’t replace you.”
Holly raised her eyebrows in a waggle. “Would you prefer knowing he’s wearing a blue thong?” But then she let out a wistful sigh as her eyes fell closed and she pictured that “romantic movie” in her mind. She had never managed to get into the hallowed Dalton halls but she’d seen pictures and video. She also knew she owed Blaine for being there for Kurt when she couldn’t. For saving him when she’d been unable to. “A pocketwatch would be perfect. Especially given the sentimental meaning and value. A memento from your first meeting.”
Kurt snorted through a laugh. “All those weekly digests where I moaned the love of my life was as thick as two short planks and kissing chicks, and how I wanted to throw myself into the Lima River and never come out again because if he didn’t notice I liked him, how would anyone? Or the one where I nearly ran in front of a bus - accidentally - when I finally got my first real kiss and couldn’t believe a guy as gorgeous and special and amazing as him wanted to be my boyfriend, and oh my god, I actually had a BOYFRIEND, in capslock? And now I have a fiancé and he doesn’t just want to be my boyfriend, he wants to be my husband, and he’s still beautiful and amazing, and all that Brian Kinney must have paid off because we have the most fantastic sex life that never dies, no matter how much people tell us marriage kills sex, and I can’t believe every single day I have him.” He cut himself off with a small sob, carefully fanning his face with his mud covered fingers. “I just need a moment.”
“The only time I wear flannel is when I’m devastatingly sick or sick stealing Blaine’s jammie pants because I miss him or I’m cold, and his are way warmer. The best thing I ever did was stop hiding from my gay and start owning it. Because right when I stopped hiding, he was right there. Actually, I prefer when he wears a red thong. Red is his colour. It’s stunning on him with that hair and those hazel eyes. And you are right, but he has his heart set on Yoda because we actually watched Star Wars together for the first time after our, uh, first time. And I wouldn’t forgive myself if he lost that watch. He was really close to his granddad. I think he was more like a dad to him than his real dad was,” he explained.
“All of the above,” Holly answered without hesitation. She watched Kurt helplessly as he tried to get a hold of his emotions but it was only making her choke up and she could feel the tears stream down her cheeks and into the mud bath. “I was trying not to cry! Why did you have to do that. This is your birthday and your wedding it’s supposed to be a happy time, dammit! You really are trying to reveal my grey and make me feel old.”
She smiled at the image of Kurt in Blaine’s flannel pyjamas even if it was watery and interrupted by her shameless sobbing. The waterworks had started and there was just no stopping them. “Why do you two have to be so damn adorable and in love? I hate you both! But I can’t imagine what it would be like if none of this was happening. You really do make me want something more... Even if it means marrying someone who wears a red thong and has Yoda stuffed down his pants. Having the watch at the wedding doesn’t mean it’ll get lost. If he wore it to school he could wear it down the aisle. Maybe he can have two old things?”
“I’m just so happy!” Kurt sobbed, sniffling and trying to fight the urge to wipe at his eyes. In the end, he just held up his hands splayed out of like starfish and decided it was time for the lounging around in mud to come to an end. It was never his favourite treatment anyway, not being a huge fan of being messy. He had reached his fill. There was just another pretty unfabulous sob and he shook his head helplessly. “I’m going to be a husband! Legally! Before I’m thirty!”
He sat up in the bath and caught his lip between his teeth as he looked over at her. “Everything is going to change, but you know what? I think it’s going to be the best thing that has ever happened to me. It’s like everything in my life has built up to this and no matter how much it has sucked, it’s all just been so worth it. But I really need to get up out of this thing now, darling, because I’ve got mud in awkward places that I have plans for later tonight.”
RP LOG, SCENE COMPLETE
justbeingaqueen and breaksniceguysWhat: Pre-birthday spa date
Where: Clarins Skin Spa, Madison Avenue
When: 26th May
NOTE: Backdated to the day before Kurt's birthday
It was probably nothing new these days to have a fag and his hag share a spa treatment. It didn’t bring up any difficulties, and there were no strange looks. It was almost Kurt’s birthday and with the impending nuptials Holly wanted to treat him before any kind of bachelorette party could make him beyond saving.
Holly sighed as she relaxed into the mud bath and wriggled her toes in the dark liquid. Whether or not he was gay, Holly had still done him the favour of wearing a swimsuit.They were close but she still didn’t make it a habit of appearing naked around him. Heaven forbid she make the young man scream by flashing her breasts.
And even if she wanted to make him suffer just a little bit for cockblocking her when it came to Cooper Anderson, she really couldn’t deny Kurt a chance to be pampered. She also just wanted some alone time with him before marriage, weddings and a gaggle of hags stole him away.
“Happy birthday, honey,” she said, raising a hand full of mud in mock toast before she air kissed in his direction.
Kurt’s nose crinkled up when he saw her handful of mud, even if he was lying in a bathful of it himself. He couldn’t help it if he was the epitome of gay bitch snob. This was about the only time he consented to being dirty and icky, unless it was related to sex, in which case it was an entirely different story. Mud baths weren’t his favourite part of a spa day, but it did help to open the pores for all the things to come later and frankly, it was just nice to be able to lie still and let his muscles relax after the crazy week he had of shows coming into the final weeks of his stint as Peter Allen. He would be sad to see it end, but at the same time, he was looking forward to the new opportunities coming and what his life was bringing him next. As far as he was concerned, his best role over - as Blaine’s husband - was coming and that’s all he honestly cared about at the moment.
“Thank you, darling,” he responded with a smile, his fingers resting around the rim of the tub as he forced himself to relax, which was getting harder and harder right now with each passing day. Most nights, his brain was buzzing and Blaine had to resort to clever tactics to get him to unwind. “I gave up an afternoon of sex for this. You’re lucky I love you,” he joked.
Holly tipped her nose up into the air as she did her best imitation of Kurt himself and flicked the mud like she was trying to get rid of a fleck of dust. “I could have been having sex too if you didn’t keep pussy blocking me.” And then she added the sniff. “I still don’t understand why I’m not good enough for your almost brother-in-law.”
But when she turned her head back to look at him again she was smiling. She was having proud hag thoughts about his marriage. About Kurt’s career. About how everything was unfolding for him and how well he was doing. She offered him another smile, this one warm and reaching her eyes. “Thank you for loving me and giving up sex because I’m getting old and I get misty eyed thinking about how grown up you’re getting. I still remember the young Kurt who could give me attitude like no one else, and had a hell of a hip shake to ‘Single Ladies’.”
Kurt just laughed at this and shook his head. “You really are so sure of yourself, aren’t you, darling? You forget that once you get past me, you still need to get past Blaine, and he has quite the restriction on any friends dating his brother. It’s written rule in Munchkin Land. You do, and you get the total Wicked Witch of the West treatment,” he said with a nod of feigned seriousness. “You’re not good enough for each other. All hell will break loose if you do your little slippery feet routine and piss off from him, and his ego decides Asia needs his talents or something. It’s messy before it even starts.”
He looked over at her, peering closely to make sure she was at least half-joking. “You’re getting sentimental. I think the penny just dropped for me how close my wedding is getting. And darling, if you think I do a mean Single Ladies, you should see my dad. When a straight middled-aged dad puts on a sequinned glove and hip thrusts with the best of us queens, that’s saying something about the natural genes right there.”
Holly scrunched up her nose. “I’m not looking to date the guy! We’re both sluts from what I understand. I’m only asking to sleep with him. He wouldn’t be expecting me to stick around and make an honest man out of him. That’s when Cooper Anderson would up and leave for Asia. Same as I would,” Holly replied honestly. And then she winced before leaning her head back against the edge of the tub. “Okay, point. I’d totally deserve the Wicked Witch of the West treatment for being a horny flying monkey.”
She tried not to pout even as she sniffed. There were no hands free to wave away the burgeoning tears and all she could do was squeak. “I am, but I can’t help it! It’s like watching the little gay brother I never had stroll down the aisle. It’s a huge deal. Burt did Single Ladies? Really? I would have loved to have seen that.”
Kurt pointed. “And that’s exactly why I’m not letting this happen! If you’re both going to be living here, what happens after you both have a quick romp and then turf each other aside? Do all family gatherings suddenly become awkward moments where we have to make sure there is always a strategy to keep you away from each other because you’ve moved on to bang one of my co-stars and he’s moved on to chase actress booty? Yeah, no. It’s not happening. He won’t ever leave for Asia anyway. I was exaggerating. He and Blaine have an agreement now that there’s to be no more estrangement or I get to lock them in a room with Miley Cyrus playing on repeat forever along with the Paris Hilton sex tape. With all the connections our group has, this will never just be a bang you can walk away from, and I know you. Walking away is what you do best, and Cooper is going to be my brother-in-law.”
He just looked at her now with a wide blink. Normally he was the emotional one to the point his other half constantly had a little pack of Kleenex at the ready, no matter what the scenario. Of course, Kurt had grown up a lot over the recent years, and toughened up, growing more into his sassy gay bitch exterior. He was also a really talented actor, so he managed to not cry as easily as he used to. “There will be no strolling, darling. It will be an elegant saunter. I know, I’ve practiced, and I’ve made Blaine practice. He still hasn’t quite got it, but I’m working on. I’m hoping forcing him into ballroom dancing lessons by sexual favours will improve his sauntering abilities. And yes, Dad did do Single Ladies, for my graduation present. There’s a video of it somewhere. Tina made sure I had the photographic evidence.”
Holly’s nose was still wrinkled. She hated that Kurt had some very good and logical points when all she was picturing in her mind was the photoshoot of Cooper with wet jeans and his back to the camera. There was a sigh of longing and she nearly slid down into the mud bath before she remembered where she was. She was so close to that perfect ass and she just wasn’t going to be allowed to touch it. “It’s not fair, you know. It’s going to be even more awkward because you’re going to keep trying to stop us sleeping together. DIdn’t think of that, did you?”
She bit her lip to try and get a handle on her emotions. It really was true that she rarely got like this but she was have a serious, almost maternal moment and it was scaring her a little. She pushed out a breath before humming some of Single Ladies as she tried to picture Burt dancing to it and started to smile again. “I’ll have to hit her up for the footage. Your Dad’s always been your biggest fan. I don’t get it. Blaine has all this insane dance energy and he can’t manage a saunter? It’s the puppy thing isn’t it. His waggly tail gets in the way.”
“You have tickets on yourself, darling. I’m getting married, I’m going on honeymoon, I’m closing a show and probably opening a new one when I get back. Do you really think I’m going to allocate a whole lot of my time to spying on your sexual life?” Kurt shook his head. “That’s not going to happen. I’ll just be extremely pissed off and probably give you the silent treatment if you go against my wishes, so honestly, the ball is in your court. And it won’t just be me, but it will also be Blaine, and he can be a scary bitch when he wants to be, especially when it comes to Cooper.”
He tilted his head a little, pursing his lips in thought. “Blaine is extremely talented and has the most amazing moves...” He phased out a little at that, remembering what they indulged in that morning and was smirking to himself in a heartbeat. “He just doesn’t have natural elegance. He’s more, well yes, cute perky puppy, and he has a tonne of energy. So, I figure we can learn ballroom dances and kill two birds with one stone. Our wedding waltz is going to be utterly flawless. Plus, he wants to learn the dance at the end of Dirty Dancing, so I told him we have to do all the others in the movie to get there first. Our wedding is going to be the most amazing night. Nothing is going to stop that.”
“Of course I do, honey. I’m Holly Holliday, and I’m your first real hag. I wouldn’t be a Hummel Hag without having tickets on myself. But... okay. I’ll behave. And just keep admiring from afar. And possibly randomly pat his ass when I’m close enough to,” Holly added with a sly grin. “I like Blaine a lot. I always have. I adore him, and he’s been the best thing to ever happen to you. I wouldn’t ever actually want to break his trust.”
“He wants to do that final dance? So would you be jumping up into his arms or the other way around?” Holly had to look up at the ceiling as she imagined it happening both ways. “Surely you’re Jennifer Grey? Only much classier because no one puts Hummel in the corner. Mm, I hope you have salsa at the wedding. That would be fabulous. Am I at least allowed to dance with Cooper? Because I bet he can salsa. It has to be in those Anderson genes somewhere. Just like it’s in the Hummel genes. All these genes shaking their hips. It’s going to be a downright killer wedding.”
Kurt closed his eyes, trying to pretend he didn’t just hear that. He really didn’t want to think about anyone smacking Cooper’s ass. Maybe once upon a time he admired from afar when he didn’t know the guy was Blaine’s brother, and he couldn’t deny the Anderson genes were smoking hot in the looks department, but he really didn’t need to think about things like Holly’s hand anywhere near Cooper’s buttocks... like, ever. “Blaine and Marc Jacob are about on equal par to the best things to ever happen to me,” he joked, throwing her a mischievous look. “Cooper’s just a sensitive subject. Blaine has these romanticised ideals that he might help Cooper one day find what he has. Personally, I think Coop will be doing well if he gets a mail order bride.”
“Yes. That, and reenacting the scene from Ghost with the pottery are Blaine’s biggest fantasies, but there is no way I am taking pottery classes just so he can rub me in muck and have his wicked way with me. He does sing a mean Unchained Melody, though. It’s absolutely beautiful. I cry every time. He’ll probably lift me. It won’t be the first time. I’m more flexible than him, so if it fails, we won’t hurt ourselves as much. I’m used to being thrown around a stage, so no big deal. You are not salsaing with Cooper! Fucking hell. Or doing the rhumba,” he added quickly.
Holly’s expression sobered a little. It wasn’t as if she didn’t know that Blaine and Cooper had had issues and she could understand the younger Anderson wanting more for his big brother. Including just being brothers. She was hardly about to interfere with that but having someone that damn fine so damn close and not being able to touch? Yeah, it was torture. She sighed and lifted a hand like she was going to adjust her hair before she remembered she was still very much covered in mud. “I hope I’m at least a close second where the best things are concerned,” she teased back. “And are you seriously rating a mail order bride above me? That’s just rude. I’m hurt. I buy you a spa treatment and objectify your future brother-in-law and this is what I get?”
Holly’s eyes narrowed as she looked up at the ceiling. “He really has a Patrick Swayze fetish, doesn’t he? I never got on that train. Even when those films first came out. I couldn’t see the appeal. Maybe it’s because he was trying to be as unattainable as I am? First he was that dancing Don Juan, then he was a ghost... I never really understood that movie with the trucks either. That was him, wasn’t it? Just make sure he never tries to involve himself in high speed chases. I did like Point Break though. Is he going to surf through the reception?” Holly smiled at him. “You’ll make a lovely Baby. I can see it now. You just want to take away all my fun, don’t you? Am I allowed to salsa with anyone at the wedding?”
“All I am saying is that Cooper is no Blaine. He’s... romantically challenged. Why do you even want him anyway? I’m not talking just because he’s hot and will drop his pants for anything with a healthy handful of tits who tells him he is talented. I mean, you can bed anyone and New York is full of hot guys all over the place. You just have to find the ones that aren’t gay, and you’ll be sweet!” Kurt insisted with a flick of his fingers for emphasis. “But this is Cooper, and I highly think if he ever realised what the concept of dating was and the penny dropped with Blaine that he wanted it, Blaine is going to be like a goddamn yappy little vicious dog that no girl is going to get past without running a gauntlet of baby brother cockblocking. You think I’m bad, Blaine hasn’t had to think about Cooper hooking up before. Not seriously on any level.”
He shrugged with a sigh. “Blaine likes all the good romantic movies. I’m just grateful he didn’t want to reenact Pretty Woman or Romeo and Juliet. I put a flat-out ban on Titantic, as gorgeous as Kate Winslet’s hats were. I do love me a fabulous hat.” He wiggled his toes under the mud and hummed contentedly at finally be able to relax a little. “You could always salsa with my dad. I told you. Those Hummel hip genes, you can’t beat them,” he said mischievously.
Holly just stayed quiet at his question not even sure how to begin to answer it. “I don’t want just anyone in New York,” she finally admitted. “That doesn’t mean I even know what I’m doing. But you have an Anderson and he works for you. Why can’t I have an Anderson? But a straight one. Fuck, I don’t even know. I guess sometimes I look at what you have and wonder if I’m not missing out. Then I think it’s just easier to stick to what I know and resist the urge to settle down because what if I do just run away and ruin it all?” Holly just snorted. “I think I’m in danger of having a mid-life crisis. I should just go buy a convertible and do it that way.”
Holly made a face. “Am I the only person in the world who doesn’t love Titanic? I feel like I am. Even this far on. You’d wear the hats so much better. What about Carole? I don’t want to be stepping on her toes. But I’d actually love to salsa with your dad. I’ve always adored Burt.” She smiled at the thought of the Hummel patriarch. He really had done well with Kurt. No matter what anyone said, he’d been a great dad.
Kurt couldn’t deny that his Anderson was beyond amazing. Blaine had always been amazing, and never treated Kurt wrong. Quite the opposite, in that every single day, Kurt felt like he was absolutely adored and loved by his fiance. “Darling, I’m not going to deny you any of that. You know I’m not. But Cooper... isn’t Blaine. Not even close. I think he does have a big heart, it’s just rarely in the right place. He’s one of these guys who, well, drives his heart with his dick and honestly, how is that ever going to end well? This is just... shit, as soon as he meets you, his dick is going to be raring to go, and I might really have to shove his face into the nearest flat surface and bitchslap him, and you know how much I hate risking my manicures.”
“I loved it when it came out. Now I just hate watching it because it turns me off boats, and I really love having sex on cruises. Have you ever tried it? It’s fabulous! I do wear hats extremely well, I must admit. Some of my favourite designers have even told me that.” He laughed. “Oh, Dad and Carole are the epitome of an old married couple. She’ll happily share him with anyone if it means she can have him out of her hair for a breather. Dad has chilled out so much over the years, he’ll try anything once. I mean, he’s a congressman! My dad, he beat them all.”
Holly pressed her lips together as she listened and made a noise like she was disagreeing but what was there to disagree with? She wasn’t about to mention Cooper’s ass again but she was still a hot-blooded woman. She did still feel attraction and damn, if she ever managed to get near Cooper she was pretty sure she’d be in trouble for thinking with his penis too. “I know you’re right. I do. And you know I will always be the first to admit to you being right even if I made a thing of it. And will keep blaming you for preventing me from being near him but I get it. I do. Thank you for being my voice of reason as always.”
Holly smiled crookedly before her expression started to lighten. “Then I’m definitely stealing Burt for a dance so he better have those hips ready. I don’t know how they do it, but I really hope you and Blaine have a marriage like that. That you get a lot of good years out of it. Hats, puppies and all.”
Kurt waved his hand, the mud dripping down over his wrist and causing him to wipe some of it off. Oh, the things he had to suffer through to stay fabulous. “No, no, darling. You’re not blaming me for anything, because that will piss me off. And by all means, try to access him. But I am just letting you know that it’s probably not going to end well at all for anyone, so you can’t say I didn’t warn you. Cooper is here in the city, and last I looked, neither Blaine nor me had him chained up in the cupboard under the stairs. I am hoping you will both be adults about it and not horny rabbits humping each other and then running away. In fact, last I looked, he was going out for drinks with Puck and Mike.”
“Hey, I taught my dad to dance, you can bet your ass it will always be fabulous,” he said with a confident sniff, even if it felt like a lifetime ago that he taught his father to dance for his wedding to Carole. It was such a bittersweet time for Kurt. His dad falling in love again, but dealing with being bullied on the regular by Karofsky, followed by meeting Blaine, and then transferring to Dalton. It was a total rollercoaster. “And no... no puppies. Blaine’s close enough to one of those for me, and he doesn’t piss on my Oriental rug. I draw the line at goldfish, and even then, I killed our last one when I dropped glitter into the water. Long story.”
“I just said you were right! I’m not actually going to argue. I’m not going to fight you on this.” Holly bit her lip and while any other time she might have added a comment about it maybe not being fighting him much on this she finally just let out a sigh and shrug. Cooper was Blaine’s brother. He would be Kurt’s family soon enough and they really were as bad as each other. Kurt was probably doing her a huge favour. Saving herself from herself. She looked back at him though, her brow a little quizzical. “He’s going out for drinks with Puck and Mike? That’ll be interesting. I don’t think it’s me you have to worry when it comes to getting Cooper into trouble.”
“You glittered your goldfish to death? Wow, that’s just--wow. Remind me never to let you near me in an actual bath with water. Just out of interest what would you ever do if he did piss on your Oriental rug?” Holly smiled before she started to laugh at the mental images. She could all too clearly picture a goldfish in a pool of glitter, and unfortunately she could also picture Blaine pissing on a rug. “Your wedding is going to be perfect, Kurt. I’m just glad that I get to see it all. Sure you’re not getting any kind of cold feet? It’s okay to tell me.”
Kurt shrugged. “Sure, but they do it all the time when Cooper is in town, or we all go out to LA to see him. Not that he’s there anymore because he’s moving here for his new role, but they’re all pretty tight. I just have to make sure they have the riot act read to them so Blaine doesn’t come home inked, pierced, in underwear that isn’t his and completely catatonic on booze. You get that bunch together and it’s like the best fun in the world ever is to get Blaine drunk for a laugh. And granted, Blaine is an hilarious drunk, but I’m the one that has to nurse him back to sobriety. Not to mention the pissing contest we had to go through when Blaine chose Puck as his Best Man and not Cooper. I swear, Coop was seriously contemplating having a hit put out on Puck just so he could get the job. My life, it’s like Days of Our Lives some days.”
“No, it was an accident! I swear, it was. That was my favourite goldfish. It looked like it was wearing Elton John glasses. But I dropped one of my costume shirts over the bowl when I was a bit tipsy after a party one night and the glitter fell into the bowl, and the next morning, Predator was somewhere over the rainbow. Blaine wouldn’t let me flush him, we had to bury him in the pot plant on the balcony.” He pursed his lips, annoyed at just the thought. “He did puke on it once, and I cried for a week. Well, sort of. It felt like I wanted to. He wouldn’t, though. I can vouch that by the time I got him, he was toilet trained. He peed off said balcony once though. At Mike’s birthday party. And absolutely not. I have waited for this day my whole life. I am going to be the most fabulous bride ever. All those bridezillas can kiss my pale ass.”
Holly held up a mud-covered hand. “Wait, wait. So you let him go out with those boys. You let Blaine go out knowing they’ll make a game out of getting him drunk but you won’t even introduce me to Cooper. Seriously. Seriously? When did I lose all your faith in me!” This time she really did pout. She pouted and she didn’t hide it. Holly picked up a glob of mud from her bath and slipped it over into Kurt’s in place of being able to flick it at him. She knew better than to go for his face. “Cooper needed to earn his best man stripes, didn’t he? He’s better than what I was hearing about before, but still. Puck’s always been there for Blaine.”
Holly made a face once more as she tried to reconcile the images of an Elton John/Predator fish. Finally she just have up and made a defeated sound. “I can’t even... Somehow glitter was easier to grasp than Elton John and the Predator communing to create a new breed of goldfish. So he’s still there? In the pot plant? I’ve seen that pot plan. I’ve stood next to that pot plant. Somehow I think peeing off the balcony is a right of passage for all men. Except you, honey. You’re much better than that. So have you got all your something borrowed, something blue things?”
Kurt gave her a look of exasperation. “They’re his brother and his friends, not just ‘those boys’! What are you talking about ‘let him’? Do you think he needs a day pass from me to go out and have fun? Our relationship is not that sort of relationship, thank you very much. We’re our own people and he is allowed to spend time with whoever he wants, just so long as he comes home in one piece. And believe it or not, he is of drinking age, so he is allowed to drink too. He doesn’t even need a fake ID, despite the opinion of that guy on West Seventy-Fourth Street. Are you seriously throwing a tanty?” he asked her with a wide blink of disbelief. “There was never any question. Blaine has wanted Puck since school when he started dreaming of our big white wedding, like, five days after we started dating. As much as I’m glad Cooper has stepped up to the big brother plate, Puck’s the one Blaine connects to the best. And also the one I can illegally put a hit out on if he does anything to hurt Blaine, and I won’t need to kill any in-laws.”
“No, his name was Predator. He didn’t look anything like Predator, he looked like Elton John, but Blaine didn’t think he looked like an Elton to name him that. We almost had a domestic over that whole thing. Yes, he’s still in there and don’t worry, we have determined he crossed over, so his wee spirit won’t haunt you if you ever have to water it. He’s gone to the big fish bowl in the sky. It’s tradition at birthday parties. Usually it’s a peeing contest to see who can go further. Blaine holds the reigning title, which none of the other guys can understand, because they seem to assume that because he’s short, he can’t pee far. See? I should be bothered by things like this, but I’m not anymore. I have finally embraced my position as future wife of a dude. Yay farting,” he said, pumping his fist in the air and then sticking his tongue out in disgust when the mud dripped down under his armpit. “And yes. I do. They were some of the first things I secured. But then, Blaine felt left out, so he wanted to pick his too.”
Holly just tried to stop pouting before she finally just gave a small nod. “Yes, I’m having a tanty. I’m a grown woman having a tanty because her young fag is telling his hag no. And I know all the boys are old enough to drink. That you’re all men. I’m just having a hard time trying to work out how you all managed to grow up so fast, and why there’s suddenly weddings. Beautiful, giant weddings that I get to be a part of and you get your happily ever after. Only it’s not just ever after, it’s another beginning and I told you that I was getting emotional. Kurt, I’ve been listening to plans of this day as long as I’ve known both of you. I feel like it’s me going down the aisle too, and I know how stupid that sounds. I just need to get laid - not by Cooper, I promise.”
“How did I not even realise you named your fish Predator? He’s a lucky guy to have such an understanding wife-to-be. And hey, you know what? Being with a dude isn’t so bad. Farting’s a natural part of life. I fart. You fart. We just don’t do it in front of everyone else because we’re not that open and free. You two are going to have disagreements, but at least you resolve them. And you’re willing to discuss them.” Holly’s nose went up as she looked over at Kurt and for a long moment all she could do was stare. “You’re actually serious about the pissing contests? Jesus, when did that become a thing. Have boys always done that at birthdays? It doesn’t even make sense. Why is that even fun? Boys and their penises. Boys and bodily fluids... Now all I can do is picture each one of them pissing.” She shuddered in the mud bath and tried to squeeze her eyes shut to shake the visuals. “What are his things?”
Kurt just had to smirk at this, looking over at her and snickering. “I am relieved that you would simply be picturing us sitting in a McKinley classroom with bad haircuts and acne rather than in pampers and stealing each other’s toy cars, though. There is a part of me glad you didn’t know me as a kid. I was a bit of an obnoxious butt pain. At least, so Dad tells me affectionately these days and threatens to break out all the stories of my childhood at my wedding reception. If you find him bound and gagged behind the extravagant angel fountain at the venue, it wasn’t me. You’re not pregnant, are you? You’re just as weepy are Carole these days. You two need to stop hanging out so much or I’m going to think you’ll want part custody in me.”
“I didn’t name my fish Predator. I wanted Elton, Blaine named it Predator when he gave me the Eyes and no matter now many years I am with that precious pain in the ass, I can never deny the Eyes. The things he has gotten me to do with them is borderline evil. I rode Magic Mountain eight times in a row for those freaking Eyes. I swear the only reason I even fart around him is because he gave me the Eyes one day now that you mention it. Somewhere along the way, we all got domesticated, and I just love it. I guess somewhere deep down, I was always made to be a wife. I do wonder about you, though. Do you ever get the urge to settle and find a Blaine? Not my Blaine, you can’t have him, but the same sort of concept?” He gave a long-suffering roll of his eyes. “Yes, they have always done that at birthdays, and considering there is a pack of them, there are a lot of birthdays. I’m dreading Blaine’s bachelor party. He’s going to come back bald, I know it. Or with a mohawk, and there won’t be time to grow his beautiful curls back, even if he is sort of a yeti. His things, oh my god. Something old is a Yoda figurine from when he was a kid, something new are his boxers that say ‘Groom’ on them, something borrowed is Cooper’s ‘I’d rather be 007’ cufflinks, and something blue are his socks. He wants to wear blue socks on our wedding day.”
Holly just shot him a look. “I’m not your mother! I’m the proud, cool aunty if anything. This is just why teachers shouldn’t hang around their students once the teaching is over. There’s just too many feelings. And no, I’m not pregnant. I am very, very careful. I’d destroy any child I actually had. Better I get them already grown up and with parents. And don’t think I never saw you in your early days before me. I saw the floppy hair and the puppy cheeks. Then Blaine got to you and you blossomed. No more baby penguin.” She laughed quietly before smirking. “You’d never tie Burt up, you adore him too much. And you adore Carole. I don’t know that she’d appreciate me being compared to her, but I think it’s an honour aside from the inference that I want to be your mother. I’d have to stop talking about boys and sex.”
Holly started to snicker and once more mourned the fact that she’d drowned her hands in mud and couldn’t cover her face. It was her own mistake, but if she was going to do this then even her hands needed to be treated. “Predator Elton. I’m sure he’s been called that a few times anyway. I’m sure there’s also something about you that he can never say no to, so it’s only fair that he has the Eyes. When did you ever really regret anything those Eyes made you do anyway?” Holly puffed up her cheeks before letting the air out and sinking down a little further into the mud. “Sometimes, like I said. There are days I envy you and Blaine and what you have, but I honestly don’t know if it’s too late to teach this old dog any new tricks. I might just be stuck floating from guy to guy and never really settling. Just having our friendship be the longest relationship of my life. I’m guessing you don’t want him to be wearing blue socks? You’re not even going to see the socks.”
Kurt gave her a scandalised look. “I did not have puppy cheeks! Oh my god, as if being a baby penguin at that time was bad enough. I had puppy cheeks and the guy I had fallen head-over for thought I looked like I had to fart when I was trying to be sexy. How did I not turn emo and pull a Britney during those months, I will never, ever know. It was all terribly traumatising, you realise this? Not that I even knew what the hell I was supposed to do with sex at that time. It scared the hell out of me, and you weren’t around when I needed you! You were off in Cleveland cheating on me with other students. I resorted to pamphlets and Queer as Folk, and a whole lot of not sleeping on my stomach every time I thought about Blaine, who was off kissing Rachel. Why am I not in therapy right now? Seriously. And even then? I made him wait nine months after we started dating before he could even go below the belt. And yes, I do adore my parents, but I have horrifying nightmares of pictures of me flashing up on a projector screen drunk and puking on Miss Pillsbury’s shoes, or covered in slushie, or, oh my fucking god, dressed in flannel when I was trying to emulate dad after thinking he was replacing me with Finn.”
“We had a serious domestic over naming that thing, and I’m ashamed, because I didn’t even want it. But it was like adopting our first child or something. It was serious business.” He ended up just sighing in defeat and nodding. “His eyes were one of the first things I fell in love with. Right on those stairs when I met him. He was on a lower step to me and looking up. He was looking up at me with those Eyes and I thought I had tripped into an old romantic movie because he was all dapper and blazered and checking the time on a pocketwatch. A pocketwatch! I learnt later it was his grandfather’s, and I’m still hoping to bump Yoda for that on the day. I’m working on him, but he’s scared he’ll lose it. It’s not overrated, you know. The whole falling in love and committing thing. It’s not. It might be hard work sometimes, but it’s actually amazing... and yes, even with blue socks with a red, black and white wedding theme.”
“We had Skype. And texting and emails. My god, I lived for your weekly digest emails. Cleveland really wasn’t that amazing. I just had to get away from Mr Schue, and I’m sorry I cheated on you with those students. None of them ever replaced you. I don’t even talk to them. You kids had the biggest impact on my life and I would never change that.” Holly looked like she might start crying but she just gave Kurt a huge smile. “I love you, you know that. I’m just so proud of the man you’ve become. Even if you did have to get your sexual education off Brian Kinney and not me. But hey, there’s worse teachers. And you’re not in therapy because of me. No one is better at healing the baby penguins than me. I still can’t believe you dressed up in flannel. Even when you told me, I couldn’t believe you. You’re lucky Burt loves you just as you are. He can’t replace you.”
Holly raised her eyebrows in a waggle. “Would you prefer knowing he’s wearing a blue thong?” But then she let out a wistful sigh as her eyes fell closed and she pictured that “romantic movie” in her mind. She had never managed to get into the hallowed Dalton halls but she’d seen pictures and video. She also knew she owed Blaine for being there for Kurt when she couldn’t. For saving him when she’d been unable to. “A pocketwatch would be perfect. Especially given the sentimental meaning and value. A memento from your first meeting.”
Kurt snorted through a laugh. “All those weekly digests where I moaned the love of my life was as thick as two short planks and kissing chicks, and how I wanted to throw myself into the Lima River and never come out again because if he didn’t notice I liked him, how would anyone? Or the one where I nearly ran in front of a bus - accidentally - when I finally got my first real kiss and couldn’t believe a guy as gorgeous and special and amazing as him wanted to be my boyfriend, and oh my god, I actually had a BOYFRIEND, in capslock? And now I have a fiancé and he doesn’t just want to be my boyfriend, he wants to be my husband, and he’s still beautiful and amazing, and all that Brian Kinney must have paid off because we have the most fantastic sex life that never dies, no matter how much people tell us marriage kills sex, and I can’t believe every single day I have him.” He cut himself off with a small sob, carefully fanning his face with his mud covered fingers. “I just need a moment.”
“The only time I wear flannel is when I’m devastatingly sick or sick stealing Blaine’s jammie pants because I miss him or I’m cold, and his are way warmer. The best thing I ever did was stop hiding from my gay and start owning it. Because right when I stopped hiding, he was right there. Actually, I prefer when he wears a red thong. Red is his colour. It’s stunning on him with that hair and those hazel eyes. And you are right, but he has his heart set on Yoda because we actually watched Star Wars together for the first time after our, uh, first time. And I wouldn’t forgive myself if he lost that watch. He was really close to his granddad. I think he was more like a dad to him than his real dad was,” he explained.
“All of the above,” Holly answered without hesitation. She watched Kurt helplessly as he tried to get a hold of his emotions but it was only making her choke up and she could feel the tears stream down her cheeks and into the mud bath. “I was trying not to cry! Why did you have to do that. This is your birthday and your wedding it’s supposed to be a happy time, dammit! You really are trying to reveal my grey and make me feel old.”
She smiled at the image of Kurt in Blaine’s flannel pyjamas even if it was watery and interrupted by her shameless sobbing. The waterworks had started and there was just no stopping them. “Why do you two have to be so damn adorable and in love? I hate you both! But I can’t imagine what it would be like if none of this was happening. You really do make me want something more... Even if it means marrying someone who wears a red thong and has Yoda stuffed down his pants. Having the watch at the wedding doesn’t mean it’ll get lost. If he wore it to school he could wear it down the aisle. Maybe he can have two old things?”
“I’m just so happy!” Kurt sobbed, sniffling and trying to fight the urge to wipe at his eyes. In the end, he just held up his hands splayed out of like starfish and decided it was time for the lounging around in mud to come to an end. It was never his favourite treatment anyway, not being a huge fan of being messy. He had reached his fill. There was just another pretty unfabulous sob and he shook his head helplessly. “I’m going to be a husband! Legally! Before I’m thirty!”
He sat up in the bath and caught his lip between his teeth as he looked over at her. “Everything is going to change, but you know what? I think it’s going to be the best thing that has ever happened to me. It’s like everything in my life has built up to this and no matter how much it has sucked, it’s all just been so worth it. But I really need to get up out of this thing now, darling, because I’ve got mud in awkward places that I have plans for later tonight.”
RP LOG, SCENE COMPLETE