hellobroadway | "Sunday afternoon there's something special. It's just like another world."

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"Sunday afternoon there's something special. It's just like another world."

Who: Nick Hinton-Matheson and Jeff Hinton-Matheson
What: Catching up
Where: Bella Vita Galleries, Manhattan
When: Sunday afternoon

It was easy for Nick to get lost in his art, and today was no exception. He had come to the gallery on the day he was supposed to be at home to be here to give one of his commission pieces to the client, and they had been over the moon. Nick always preferred to hand his work over in person rather than through an employee, especially when the client was paying as much as this guy had because his great grandparents had been Italian and wanted Nick to paint an original piece from a childhood photograph he had. It had been one of his favourite jobs, and he was sad to see it go, but when the guy promised he would wholeheartedly be back for more, that made it all worth it.

But he had gotten distracted then and made the mistake of going into his studio for a little while. That had been hours ago, and he only thought to even check the time when he stared to feel sleepy. He grabbed his phone to check the screen and it told him it was after five. "Shit, crap!" he cursed in surprise and was just getting up off his stool from in front of his easel when Jeff came into the studio. "Shit, babe, I'm really sorry. I just got wrapped up and lost track of time. I should have been home hours ago!"

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Nick just had to give a sigh as he looked at his husband with a mix of long-suffering, frustration and bewilderment. He had anticipated this could be coming, but at the same time, it just wasn't feeling completely right inside him for reasons he didn't really understand. When they had Natalia, it felt right... perfect, even. They barely even questioned it beyond ensuring Dani was fine to be their surrogate. This time, he could see more disconnected reasons above everything else. "Is this because Natalia is biologically mine? That you want one that is yours?" he finally asked quietly. It had never been an issue before, but that didn't mean Jeff's feelings hadn't changed over the years.

"No, I'm not set against it. I would just prefer to wait until we're both ready and had a chance to do all the things we both want. We always said right from the start we would still try to do as much as we hoped for, even if we were going to have a baby young. And I just look at all our friends around us and see how much they're thriving on their careers and taking life by the horns and loving it. How much of that do you think we can really do with two kids and our own business? And I can tell you right now, Dani won't be our surrogate again right now. She's just out of med school and starting her career. She can't afford to just be a baby making machine for us whenever we decide we want to. At the end of the day, Jeff, we're still two gay guys. Neither of us can grow a baby inside of us."

As sad as it might have been to say, Jeff was pretty used to that particular look. He associated it most with when they'd been kids and Jeff's ADHD had been at its worst, and Nick had sincerely been at a loss as to how to deal with his at the time boyfriend's obnoxious levels of bouncing and excitable. But right now there was more to it than that, and much more at stake. Jeff's eyes met Nick's in shock and he shook his head firmly. "No!" he protested. "God, no. Not at all. In fact, if we had another baby, I'd be just as happy using your sperm again as using mine this time. Natalia is our daughter. Ours. And any other baby we might have would be ours, too, no matter whose sperm made her." Jeff was almost offended in a way that Nick would even suggest something like that, but he supposed it was a fair question given the circumstances.

"We did," Jeff agreed. "I just... I don't want to wait so long that Nat doesn't get to grow up with her brother or sister, really. Everybody's doing well for themselves, but so are we, babe. Natalia's beautiful, and she's a great kid. Our business is doing amazingly well, and your paintings are just getting more and more beautiful." He paused, mulling that over a little. "I know it would be a big adjustment, but... I don't know, Nicky. Maybe you're right, and we should wait, but I don't want to wait too long, either. Dani's not our only option. My sister told me once upon a time that she'd be willing if we wanted to go that route... It'd be a little like Friends, but it's a possibility." If that offer still stood all these years later. With a sigh, Jeff realized very quickly that his arguments were becoming weaker, and he was more or less grasping at straws. With a sigh, he leaned forward and kissed Nick gently on the lips. "I know we can't, babe... As simple as that would make this whole thing. I think I'd rock a pregnant belly, too, but c'est la vie. You're probably right," he ceded. "But I want it so bad, Nicky. I don't know if I can 100% explain why, but I do."

Even once Jeff spoke, Nick just sat there quietly, looking down at his hands. He was listening to everything, he always did. It was Jeff with the short attention span, where Nick was usually the one who had to remember the details on things that would generally go in one ear and out the other with Jeff. Nick was organised, patient and methodical, where Jeff tended to be the Yin to his Yang. It's always how they had been. Sometimes it did frustrate Nick when he was trying to keep things in order to set a game plan for it, whilst Jeff was always preferable to go in like a bull at a gate excited before the consequences could be considered.

Are a little while, he scratched the back of his head and then linked his finger back up in front of him. "Why does what you want have to be the precedent?" he finally asked quietly, looking up to meet Jeff's gaze. "I'm serious, babe. You want to have a serious discussion, then we have to discuss serious things, even if you don't want to hear them. First, I don't want your sister having a baby for us. That would just be too weird. I need a little line drawn somewhere in this whole thing. A cousin is one thing, a sister is entirely another. I'm happy with our beautiful daughter. I think she's a miracle and a blessing, and we're beyond lucky to have been able to have her. Never, ever was it an assumption we would automatically have more than one when even getting her was a priceless gift to start with. I don't know where along the way it ever became a given Natalia would have brothers or sisters."

Jeff knew his husband, probably better sometimes than even Nick knew himself, and the fact was, the same could very much be said of Nick. The pair of them had been inseparable for years, even long before they'd fallen in love, become boyfriends, lovers, and eventually, husbands. And in that, Jeff knew that this particular talk really wasn't helping put Nick's mind at ease about the concept of having another baby. Jeff knew it was coming across as him just being bouncing-off-the-walls Jeff and something along the lines of "OMG BABIES YAY!" But the fact was that he truly just loved being a father. He loved it more than anything he'd ever done in his life, and he wanted to be able to do that again one day.

"I thought... I thought it was what we wanted," Jeff finally said in response to Nick's question. "Even after we came out, we always talked about the possibility that we might have kids together someday. Kids. And yeah, I know my sister having our baby would be kind of weird, but it doesn't have to be her. I'm just saying that Dani isn't our only option for a surrogate. And Nicky, I'm happy with Nat, too. She is so much more than I ever dreamed of or expected to ever have in our lives. We are blessed. Beyond blessed, even. But I never dreamed that being a full-time Daddy would be something I'd love as much as I do." Pausing, Jeff had a sudden thought, that he realized would probably come out just looking like more of his ADHD moments (and probably was one of said moments in all honesty), but it was something that clicked in his head. "What if we adopted, babe?" He paused again, realizing that he wasn't putting any of Nick's concerns to rest, or even beginning totally to address them. "I'm sorry. Maybe I just assumed that we'd have more kids. I'm not trying to be a pain in the ass or anything, Nicky. This is just... It's something that's really seriously been on my heart for a long time, and I don't... I don't just want it to be a big No way, Jeff without us at least thinking about it."

"That doesn't mean I want it right now," Nick responded with a sigh. "We're still so goddamn young. My business has taken off more than I ever thought it would in the last couple of years, and I just want to thrive on that for awhile. You know what adding another kid does in addition to taking more time? It's take more cash and why can't we just live comfortably for a little while before we add even more bills into things with babies? Not to mention IVF is fucking expensive, as are all the medical bills that comes with a pregnancy. We have a child, so you're not going to make me feel guilty with this like I'm somehow neglecting your wishes. We have a family, we have a happy and healthy child. You're making it out as if I'm saying not to every single thing we talked about once upon a time when we were still kids ourselves, and it's pissing me off! You keep repeating 'kids', like it was some sort of given, and it never was," he cried with a shake of his head.

He threw up his hands in frustration. "No. NO. You're missing the point here! Are you even listening to a word I'm saying. It's got nothing to with how we get a baby, it's the fact I'm not ready for another one yet! I'm not saying no more kids ever, I just don't want anymore now. I'm in my fucking mid-twenties, I want to live a little before I'm laden down with the freaking modern day Brady Bunch! You say 'long time' as if we're not, you know, only in our mid twenties. Kids was always a fantastical wish, especially as a gay guy. Just like if I said I'd love a holiday beach house in Miami or to live overseas every summer of every year. That doesn't mean I ever assumed it would happen, and it's annoying me you have made assumptions about our future without considering any other facet of it."

Jeff gave a slow nod, what Nick was saying slowly sinking in through the haze of baby fever that had him in a tizzy. This was something Jeff really wanted, but Nick was right. It would be a massive change for them, one that would effect not only them, but Natalia as well, and in her first year of school at that. Right now, she needed her dads' love and attention fully on her, and that couldn't be the case if they were focusing on trying to have another baby. She was in the midst of some huge changes, including the first time she'd be at school full-time and not just a few half-days a week. It wouldn't be fair to pour all their time, energy, and yes, money, into trying to add another child into the mix right now when Natalia needed them, probably more than ever, to be there for her. Jeff was starting a new job, and their business was thriving, and... And as much as it hurt to admit it, Nick was absolutely and totally right.

With a hard swallow, Jeff met his husband's gaze. "Nicky... I'm sorry. You're right, okay? I know you are. That's not what I wanted to say, but it's true. You're right. We are really young. And you're probably right that I'm coming at this all ADHD Jeff instead of really thinking through what all this would mean for us and for Natalia. I didn't consider all the facets of it, and... honestly, I have so loved getting to stay home with Nat and spend so much time with her... I haven't known anything but that for the last five years. We were young when she was born, but being her dad is one of my favorite things in the world. Maybe I'm just nervous about not having her around during the day anymore, and... Well, either way, I can't just expect you to jump right on it right away. It's not fair to you, and I do know that, babe. I really do." Jeff knew in his heart that this whole baby thing could only happen when he and Nick were both ready, and if Nick wasn't, it was only going to cause problems for Jeff to continue pushing it. "We can wait. It's not like we're saying no way ever to another baby, right? Just not right now... I don't want to fight with you, Nicky. Especially not over our family."

Nick really wished it could have been easier than this. Their wants clashing like this over a serious subject. He just honestly never expected Jeff to raise the subject again so soon in their lives. He had assumed they would have a baby and then once she got old enough and went to school, they could start to enjoy the hard work they had done right out of school. The thought of bringing another baby into the mix really did make Nick's head spin right now. He didn't want to end up one of those couples who had nothing in common between them but the kids, where their sex life died and their bank balance was living from pay check to pay check because they had to fork out so much money to raise them. He didn't want a life where he could get pleasure in anything else he loved because it constantly revolved around children.

He soon just looked at Jeff tiredly. "You're scaring me a little, you know. You're sounding like you can't function in life unless it's home here with kids, and as much as I love my family, and know we're blessed with Natalia, I never wanted my life to just exist to breed. Family is important to me, but it was never, ever an assumption in my head I would automatically have a huge family. I always wanted other things too. Art is one of those things, and if we add another kid to the mix? That's less time for that. But honestly, you're scaring me with this breeding obsession, and almost indicating you can't even... I don't know, cope. Are you going to fly off the handle when she goes to school and resent me for saying no to more kids just because you feel that's the be all and end all to everything? You're just really worrying me. All this right when Natalia is about to go to school? It's strange. Like you want to feel the hole she will leave in the day. I don't know."

Jeff's head was starting to hurt, which was worrying in and of itself. He hadn't had a migraine in a while, and he really hoped this just stayed an annoyance instead of hitting that level where he was utterly useless for anything but napping. This was a lot to think about, and it hit Jeff that he really had sort of started letting himself plan things without asking Nick how he felt about them or if they fit into his plans, too, and that wasn't fair. They were married. A partnership of adults who had a beautiful daughter to love and protect, and not only that, but two people who knew, and were touched by the most intimate details of each other's life. Nick was his best friend and his lover, and there were rarely things they clashed this much on along the way. They generally found a way to work things out, and he was honestly beginning to regret that he'd ever brought this up or pushed for it. Having more kids right this minute wasn't a necessity. It was just something Jeff had on his mind and heart a lot, whether he could explain it or not.

"That's... That's really not what it is," he explained carefully. "Nicky, it's not that I can't function without kids. I know that I can. I did before we had Nat, and I will when she and any other kids we may have in the future are grown up and gone to live their own lives. We are so lucky, babe, and I know that. And I understand what you're saying. Of course I'm not going to resent you for this. This is our life, Nicky. And with or without more kids, we have a great one. I guess part of it is probably because I'm going to miss having her home with me. I thought... I thought I'd be okay with it, but the closer it gets, the more I'm doing that panicked daddy thing where I know she's growing up. Sometimes I look at her and I feel like I'm going to cry because she's not my baby anymore." Shaking his head just a little, Jeff realized that he actually was tearing up. "I'm going to be a wreck when she goes to college or gets married or anything like that... God, I'm one of those parents."

Nick drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly as he continued to watch Jeff beside him. This whole thing had made him nervous and uncertain, just when he thought they were content in their life. He wasn't exactly sure what the next move was supposed to be. He always thought he would do whatever he could to give Jeff anything he wanted, but when something was so life-changing like this, it couldn't just be jumped into. Dani had been fantastic with the surrogacy, and she hadn't had an easy time of it either. She often joked that her uterus wasn't for rent anymore, and whilst it was only her way of having a laugh, it always worried Nick to ever want to ask again and he had resolved himself to one child. That was when it did hit him... it's exactly what he had done. He had resolved to one child when they were over the moon with Natalia.

"I'm not sure I want more kids..." he had to finally admit to Jeff once the penny had dropped why this whole conversation was rubbing him the wrong way and getting him antsy and frustrated. And now they were probably about to face the biggest disagreement they had ever faced, and he didn't know how things were going to be after it. He had lowered his eyes, but now they were trailing back up to Jeff's face to see his reaction, lip caught between his teeth uncertainly. "I'm really not sure about it. Nat's been an only in my head and I'm only just realising it..."

It had never really been a question for Jeff as to if there would be more kids. He'd always sort of assumed it was more of a when, and now he was seeing very quickly that, perhaps, he'd assumed wrong. And it was clear now that things were not necessarily as simple as he might've hoped or thought. This wasn't a simple thing like wanting to change the color in the bathroom, or the menu for dinner. This was a decision that carried their whole family in the balance. And it was only right if they were going to consider it at all, that they consider all the various facets of it.

And then the truth was out as to why Nick hadn't really been the most thrilled with the plan of expanding their family, and Jeff was stunned into silence for a long few moments. There was a part of him that just wanted to stand up and walk away from Nick right now to get his feelings back in check, but that wasn't their way. They didn't walk away from each other. Especially not when they needed to talk things like this out. But the thought of not having any more children as a crushing one for Jeff. God knew he loved Natalia, and he would be willing to wait if that was what Nick wanted. But it was right up there at the level of heartbreaking to Jeff to think that there really might not ever be another child in their family when it was something that he'd wanted so much. "You just... You just decided at that point that we weren't having any more kids?" he asked, trying really hard not to let how upset he was come through in his voice. "Nicky, we... I just didn't... So... So that's it?" he asked, trying so hard not to let the sadness come through in his voice.

Nick didn't even know why he suddenly felt like he wanted to cry, but it was definitely there below the surface. He was determined not to, though. At least not yet. Maybe he would leave it until he was in the shower alone later to just wrap his head around everything going on in it. "No, I haven't decided anything. I didn't sit down and make a conscious choice of anything, and it sort of hurts that you think I would do that without talking to you. Sometimes things just... happen. Sometimes you do things without realising right away that you are doing it. When I was younger, I did always think I was going to have a big family one day like I had growing up, but... I guess I just, I don't know, somewhere along the way I just feel like I already have everything I ever wanted and I'm happy. I don't need anything more to be content."

He lowered his eyes, somewhat ashamed that this was just dawning on him now. He felt like it should have been something he knew or recognised. But he hadn't. Then again, their lives were busy and full all the time, so he hadn't had time to pause and think they were lacking or not. He never felt like they were, but clearly Jeff did and this was where they hit a roadblock. "I'm not saying that's it. I'm just saying that's how I feel. I can't apologise for that. I've never thought anything was missing in our life, and I didn't realise you did. At least, not until you started talking about wanting another kid right now."

As much as he wanted to just roll with it and be okay with what Nick was saying? Jeff just wasn't. He was stunned and hurt, and he knew that Nick wasn't doing this to hurt him, but hurt it did. Still, this was something that they needed to figure out and work through, because their marriage and their daughter's happiness was far more important to Jeff than always getting what he wanted. And it was true... Nick had never denied Jeff anything that was reasonable, anything that he could give. And it was very much the same the other way around. They made an effort never to withhold anything from each other within reason, unless there was a damned good reason. And Jeff knew that, Nick's saying he wasn't ready, possibly never would be ready, for another baby? Was a pretty good sign that it was pretty important to Nick. "Nicky, I know you didn't just sit down and decide like that. I do know that. And I wouldn't expect it of you."

He didn't say anything for a few moments, trying to think before he spoke -- something he tended to struggle with quite a bit. "Babe, I love our life. I love you, and I love our daughter, and I love being in New York City. I just... Being a father is honestly one of the most amazing things I've ever done, and just... I remember the day that Nat was born, and just... Nicky, there's no feeling like that in the world. Remember? How we couldn't stop smiling and I was pretty sure my face was going to fall off, because she was ours? I still get blown away sometimes realizing she's ours, and the amazing world we live in where that's allowed. But I just... I can't pretend that I don't want another baby, and I can't apologize for that, either. I won't push the issue anymore, but... I don't want it to just be a no, not ever. Not without thinking about it."

Nick's appetite was gone by now. He was going to have to eat because he needed it, but his stomach was a little churny because he never liked falling out with Jeff. He just couldn't see a direct way out of this immediately. And he didn't know why he had to be the bad guy for his own wants versus Jeff's. Apparently not wanting another child was some sort of black mark though. He had no idea how to move beyond this, especially not when Jeff continued to speak and still tried to make out like Nick's feelings were somehow wrong. "I know it's important to you, maybe even more important to you than a lot of other things. But I never got into any of this just to have babies and nothing else in life. Especially not this young. That has never been something I have kept a secret either. You've known that about me forever."

When he sighed, it was just soft and tired. He had to rub his head when it was started to feel sore with a headache because this was intense stuff they were dealing with. "You're still a father and she's still ours," he had to remind Jeff quietly. "I don't understand how not wanting another baby right now somehow erases everything we felt when we had her. Nothing will ever erase that for me. In fact, it's still so fresh that there's nothing in me that feels I need to relive it all over again right now. You're talking like the whole fathering experience with Natalia is now over to the point you have to do it all over again to renew the feelings or something. I don't get your reasoning, I'm sorry. I can't pretend I do want another baby, and I can't apologise for that either," he murmured with a small shrug when they once again found themselves in a deadlock. "We're two guys. It's never been as easy as just wanting more babies at the drop of a hat. I've always felt beyond blessed to have even had the chance to have her. I don't know. I just... I wanted other experiences in life too. We only get one life."

Jeff's hands reached out to take Nick's, because right now, if there was one thing that was important to him above all, it was for Nick to know that, no matter how this conversation, or any subsequent ones turned out, they were together. They were a team, they'd made vows, and as far as Jeff was concerned, there was no turning back from that, nor would he have wanted there to be. This wasn't easy. But marriage wasn't ever meant to be easy all the time. It would always be a joining of two people... two people who had different thoughts and ideas about things, and who sometimes even wanted different things. But that was where understanding and compromise came in. Jeff and Nick had never failed to work their way through a disagreement together, and Jeff would be damned if they started now. "I know that, Nicky. We got married because we love each other, and we wanted to have a life together. There wasn't even an understanding when we got married that we'd have Nat. We decided that afterward, and..."

Fuck. Before he'd even completed that sentence, Jeff's mind was racing a million miles a minute and it was like something just clicked for him as to what Nick was saying. It didn't change the fact that he wanted another baby by any means, and that was still going to take some time for him to think about and figure out -- no, for them to figure out, because them figuring things out separately that concerned both of them had already been enough of a problem. "Nicky, I'm sorry," he said softly, meeting and holding his husband's gaze with a very sincere apology written all over his face. "Listen, I'm not sorry I want another baby, but you shouldn't be sorry if you don't, either. I... I didn't mean to make it sound like my opinion was right, and you were completely wrong, because that's not true. It's not a matter of right or wrong, it's a matter of what we want and need as a family. Together. And that's just it. We're a family. Which means that neither of us... me included and probably foremost in the epic fail department... should make decisions or plans that involve our family's future without each other. I made a decision about what I wanted, and I didn't consider you the way I should. That was my fault, and I'm sorry. I love you, Nicky, and this was never a thing I wanted to come between us or strain what we have." His hands still holding onto Nick's, Jeff looked down at the wedding band on his finger. "We made vows to do what was best for us... as a couple, as a family. And we need to back up, I think. I don't want this to become an emotional pissing contest of who's right and who's wrong. That won't get us anywhere."

Nick held Jeff's hand but he couldn't help but release a long, tired sigh. "I don't want us to fall out over this. I don't want it to all be awkward and weird, because that will impact on Nat too. You know I'm usually really open to at least considering something seriously if I think in any way we can make it work for us, but this is just sitting strangely inside. I wish I could explain why but I was always raised to trust my gut instinct and my gut is just telling me this is... it's going to strain our relationship. Another baby when we're only just making all our schedules work well as it is. Do you remember what it was like when she was a baby? There was no schedule. It was crazy. Another baby would be that plus a new school schedule to fit around as well as trying to run a business and me working on commissions which we can't deny bring in our biggest income. Think about all that and then tell me where the us time is supposed to come into that? I mean seriously, Jeff. Not just head in the newborn baby clouds because empty nest syndrome is making yo nervous with Nat going to school. Because the first thing that will give is our time together, which we have very little of as it is. And I don't know about you, but I don't want to be one of those couples barely holding their marriage together by a thread for the sake of their children."

"I was just getting frustrated. It sometimes feels like you forget how to listen to me when you get your mind set on something and that just makes it hard for me to try and get my point across, that's all. But I mean it when I say I don't want any of this stuff impacting on Nat. We have to work it out together when she's not around. Because like it or not, a new baby is going to be one of the biggest things in her life she ever faces. It will go from her having both of our focus and love and attention to having to share it with a baby, and I don't know. I adore my sisters and brothers, but I always wished I had more time with just my folks. I can't deny that, even if it makes me a bad person. You need to not just consider me in all this, babe, you really need to considering her... and probably more before me. Just because, aww yay cute, she will have a little brother or sister to play with. I'm talking how much it will impact on her entirely. I'm not writing this off, all I'm saying is that right now, I'm happy. I'm 100% happy and content with our life, and with our little family we have of our own. I just want to enjoy that right now. Enjoy all our hard work, and cruise a little. Because we really haven't done that at all in our lives yet."

"We're not going to fall out," Jeff assured Nick. "It's a disagreement, baby, not the end of the world. And I fucking love you, no matter what we agree or disagree on. This doesn't have to cause any problems for us. Maybe we can come back and visit it at another time when we both think we might be ready to have another baby, but we're adults, Nicky. We can handle disagreeing, and Nat doesn't ever need to know we disagreed at all on this. I don't want that, either, babe. I mean, I've lost count over the years of how many times you and I were trying to have some private time, whether it was sex, or just cuddling and talking, and Nat woke up from a bad dream or something, and that was just the end of that. I've never been good at thinking on a practical level. You know that about me. I always think of all the happy awesome stuff. I know that makes it hard on you sometimes when I'm all excited and you have no choice but to be the voice of reason in it all. I just... I remember all that hard stuff from when Nat was a baby, but it was worth it to me then, and I know that when and if we do have another kid, we'll put in the effort the same way, and it'll be awesome all over again. But... But you're right. That doesn't mean that now's the right time."

Jeff couldn't argue with Nick's reasoning. They had fought tooth and nail for this little life they'd built for themselves, and this was the first time that they were truly comfortable. Nick's job was fantastic, Natalia was older and would soon be going to school, and usually, she went to bed at night and slept all night, leaving her daddies to get their much needed time together, too. This would change all of their lives, including hers, and Jeff knew that those things needed to be well taken into consideration before anything could be done that would shake them up. "Okay," Jeff replied, quietly but firmly. "Now's not the time. It isn't you're right. I really was all caught up in the cutesie side of it, and that wasn't really fair. I love you, babe. I love you, and whatever we do we need to do together, and we need to both be in it 100%. Just like when we got married, when we had Nat, when we opened the gallery. All of that stuff has worked out perfectly for us, because we've both been ready and sure." He leaned close, cupping Nick's cheek with one hand before he kissed him softly. "I love you, you know. and I do listen to you, as much as it sometimes seems like I don't." Sighing, he shook his head just a little. "Sometimes I wonder how you manage to put up with me, Nicky," he said lightly, kissing his husband's cheek. "I know I drive you crazy sometimes. I'm glad you still love me." It was a light, teasing comment, but there was some truth behind it. Jeff knew that he could be frustrating to Nick, and very often was. But they just somehow managed to work together in a way that was really special, and that Jeff couldn't imagine working with anyone else. "I feel like I could sleep for a week," he admitted, rubbing his tired eyes. He'd known the conversation was going to hit Deep and Meaningful levels, but it had gone above and beyond that, too. And that in and of itself could be tiring as fuck sometimes, when they weren't agreeing or finding common ground.

"If we both think we might be ready to have another baby," Nick had to correct. It wasn't a matter of when for him, it was a matter of if. He just couldn't be sure he would actually get to that point sooner or later. It was a pretty intense realisation for him because he had thought for a long time when he was younger that he would just end up with a big family one day. But now he was actually living his life and trying to get all their ducks in a row, he was honest and truly wondering how the hell his parents managed it. Of course, Nick was pretty much working two jobs when you considered the times his commissions had to take, because people paid the money for that time. They got married and had a baby pretty young too, so it had been a constant awareness of needing to keep everything in order to make things work and focusing on keeping them working or it could have all fallen apart. "And I'm not even going to lie. We don't have sex near half as much as I wished we did. We never really sort of had that honeymoon phase of our relationship. I was looking forward to more time alone with you when Nat went to school."

His forehead creased a little as he watched Jeff, listening to him talk. "Are you getting cold feet about your job or something? I thought you were looking forward to working? Sorry, this has just all come out of the blue a little. I mean, to you, it probably doesn't seem like it if it's been on your mind for awhile, but it has for me, and I'm just trying to understand it. I just don't want to rush on our lives anymore or it will all pass us by and we'll never get a chance to enjoy it. And I'm tired. I really am. I feel like I haven't stopped in a very long time. I feel like I need a vacation or something. Anything. Even my fingers hurt from all the art lately. Pray to god I'm not contracting early onset arthritis or something. But seriously, how long as it been since we had sex? I can't even remember. That's embarrassing." He stretched his muscles in his back, stretching up to loosen them. "I'm going to treat myself to a bath tonight."

Jeff nodded. "If," he repeated, realizing as he spoke that this was something that he would need to get used to... the idea that Nick really may not ever want another child. Their family might be as big as it was going to get, and that was something that he really needed to work on accepting, because Natalia was going to school soon, whether he was ready or not, and his life really was going to change. That might not be for the worst, though. In fact, as Nick spoke, it hit him, too, just how little time they'd spent together since Nat had been born. Granted, there was nothing in the world they would've taken for the experience of being fathers, and the joy that Nat brought into their lives every single day. But their alone time had fallen by the wayside pretty often in exchange for all the time consuming things that came with being fathers. "I can definitely vouch for not enough sex," Jeff agreed, watching his husband quietly. "In fact, I was kind of hoping for some more of that myself. I even talked to my supervisor about getting the same day off every week so that he and Nick could try and plan some more quiet down time while Nat was at school. All of this was new for them at this point, and he really didn't want to rush through any more of their lives and miss the parts they already had.

"No," he said with a shake of his head. "No, it's not that I'm nervous about the job, or working or anything. I'm sure that my job's going to be great. It's an amazing cause, and I'm honored for the chance to work there. It's just... It's the whole baby thing... I want that again one day. I do understand what you're saying though. I do. We're just getting to a point where we can slow down a little and enjoy everything we worked so hard for together... And Nat's happy, healthy, safe... All the things that we hoped and prayed she would be." He paused, listening to Nick, and nodded. "We could do with a vacation. And more sex for sure." He paused, taking a long look at his husband. "What say you wait until I tuck Nat into bed tonight, and let me have that bath with you?" It really had been far, far too long since they'd really gotten their romance on, and they needed it before it was too late and they were one of those couples who slept in separate rooms or something awful like that. Their relationship and their daughter were the most important things in their lives. And there was only so much for most important before something got bumped by something else. And when Nick put it that way, it didn't seem like the end of the world not to have another kid right now anyway.

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"Sunday afternoon there's something special. It's just like another world."

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